Hospital Stays and Possibly Developing Seizures

     A bit of a journal entry from our 24 hour stay at the hospital to get a longer EEG to see if Leo is having seizures as irregular behavior had been noted as well as some irregularities on a shorter EEG.

    I could not figure out how to get these in the order that I wanted. So, I apologize, this is not in chronological order. Just take these as snapshots with my thoughts from this visit. 

I just wanted to show that when they were putting the EEG on his head there were three people around him. Mainly two of them were marking his head and placing the glue. He was genuinely enjoying the touches and the attention. He kept looking back and forth between them and making happy noises. It was such a blessing that he had a good attitude. 

This is simply so we mamas can feel a little less alone. This picture was when we got checked into our hospital room. It was around 2pm. They had just started the EEG. I was painfully processing the reality of what a 24hr EEG meant. For one, Leo had an EEG on right after he was born. I hated being reminded of that time. He was having a lot of seizures then. So I really had to remind myself that was not the case right now. Two, we had to push a red button whenever we saw "potential seizure" behavior. It just helps the neurologists look at key points over the whole 24hr period. This meant that I had to be consciously facing the thought "Is he having a seizure? I better push the button." We had to fully face that thought for the next 24hrs and not check out. 
Ok, but the other thing I see in this picture? I see a really tired mama and I notice the "fat" or the parts of my body that I wish looked different. I know I look tired. It's because I was! Getting over a cold and checking your kid into the hospital is not anyone's choice of resting. And, y'all don't have to comment and tell me that I look great or anything like that. I appreciate you. I don't mean to be disrespectful. I just don't want my point to be lost. 
My point is that I am tired and I do have a body that is different from what it used to be--which I regretfully compare it to. A lot of us know the feeling of looking at a picture of ourselves and seeing all the things we wish we could change physically. But that's so stupid! And putting a picture like that out there is so freeing. Look differently than you want to look. Be REAL. Be honest.
Now, let's see. Through my eyes, my instinct is to see that picture and critique. But let's try and look at the reality of the woman in the picture, through God's eyes. I see a strong mama who is sick, trying to take care of herself when she's not 100% at the same time as care for her kid in an unfortunate but not fatal situation. I see a strong body that cares for Leo. A body that has some extra strength so that Leo can do a little more than his body allows. I see a very capable mama who knows her son well and can help his medical team understand his complexities. I see a woman supported by her husband. And I see a woman who must do NOTHING to earn the love of her Creator. 

I will never not marvel at Leo's ability to be joyful. He finds interest in external circumstances that dampen my spirits. He looks for people. He finds the funny things. I'm not exaggerating when I say that Leo was in a good mood until about 9pm when we were getting him ready for bed. He was overtired and thus very angry falling to sleep. Once he fell asleep he had restless sleep for a couple of hours. Then he slept for a total of 8 hours. And he was in a good mood in the morning, too. I'm so grateful for him. He's good at being himself in any situation. And I wonder if he's always talking to Jesus, ya know?

Leo got his hands on the stethoscope and seemed to want to help his nurse do her job. He was talking up a storm to all of his nurses. They were very sweet and caring toward him. He was quite the flirt. It was, again, so sweet to see him in good spirits and also to see the nurses enjoy him. 

   

I texted our main night nurse a little bit while we were there. She knew I was nervous about his night's sleep in the hospital with the EEG going. I believe she appreciated seeing a video of him in good spirits. And she prayed for him to sleep well. Also, whenever we pray, Leo loves the phrase "in Jesus name". It was sweet to see her text this for Leo. She sees us pray every night. We are very blessed by her. 

I went for a run around 6pm that evening. 
It. Felt. So. Good.
It was so sweet to be in a difficult situation and make a choice to help my body in it. Brad was in the room with Leo at this time. It's so enriching to be in God's creation and feel your blood pumping. It helped me mentally be more present. And it's good to take a break from the stressful situation. I was just really happy that I did this. 

Sitting in the Emergency Department (ED) hospital bed, waiting for the next person to come in, Leo fell asleep hard on me (Mommy). This felt familiar, normal, and horrible all at the same time. It felt familiar because we've had ED visits before. I hate that. I hate that ED visits can feel familiar. It felt normal because he falls asleep on me all of the time. I'm so thankful for the chance that I get to be Leo's safe space. I like that whether we're in a hospital bed, at a friend's house, or in the middle of the park, Leo can find familiarity in Mommy. It felt horrible because we were in a hospital to see if my Leo was having seizures and here I was feeling calm and familiar with the environment. I hate that. 
Side note: something about the bracelets always haunts me. That hospital admission bracelet. Ugh. I hate wearing it. And at the same time it tells so much of my story at the time. 

    Lastly, I'll say that I did a lot of thinking about if Leo was having seizures. What if we were stepping into a phase of life of learning about seizures, experimenting with meds, and just stepping into that world? I don't have to prepare myself so that it's not painful. It will be painful if it comes no matter the "preparing" that I do. I can thank God that we aren't dealing with seizures right now. I can enjoy the present with Leo. And I can tell God my fears about if he develops seizures. That's what I tried to do this hospital stay. I was trying to be very real with God about my fears. I also made specific choices to picture the doctor coming in and saying that he wasn't having seizures. I imagined the better (from my perspective) outcome and asked God for that. It's a lot of growing trust in God. It's hard to do. I expect that trust will keep growing my whole life.