Still here...

     Ok, honest take here, I don't like it when the answer to "How's life?" is "Busy!" I get so tired of that. So I'm consciously changing that answer here. Um, ok, I'm stealing from my sister-in-law. Life is FULL. Summer has been FULL of so much learning and such rich experiences.

    I am currently sitting in the Mexico City airport...by myself. I am away for a week with some friends in Mexico (missionary kid friends) while Brad and Leo hold the fort down. We also have help in that because some people are watching Leo during my time away so that Brad can get some kid-free time to focus on work. Other than those times, he's balancing parenting and working without me. 

    This trip is a completely new experience for our family. All of us are processing in our own ways. Brad and I don't like to be away from each other. Especially with travelling by myself, there's been anxiety on both sides. Leo and I have never been apart for this long. There's unease on both sides. I've never been completely out of control of Leo's care like this, and it's so good but it's so hard. There's also the aspect of going back to Mexico and being with some of my Mexico people that adds a whole other layer of emotions in there. The three of us are doing our best to embrace the new. And I don't mean to complain about any of this here. We are grateful. I'm simply trying to illustrate that our household is carrying a lot currently. Mentally and emotionally we each have a lot of noise. 

    This summer also held a new member of the family for us. We were pregnant, and we lost the baby on June 17th. We knew for just under a month. I'm not sure how much I want to delve into all of those emotions here. We are still working through all of them. But I do want to tell you about our baby. For almost a month we dreamed about the future as a family of four--here on this earth. My, what a wild ride that would be. I don't know why God allowed us to lose a baby. We both felt incredible peace when picturing Baby in the arms of Jesus. We said multiple times, "I'm not sad for Baby. I'm sad for us." It feels like my trust in God broke a little bit. I hate to say that, but it's true. That's what it feels like. It's just a whole new level of loss. And it's a whole new level of realizing how little of life we actually control. 

       I want to communicate that I don't like coming across as cold or numb when talking about the baby that we lost. I don't take it lightly. And I don't want to come across as taking it lightly. It's a very serious and emotional thing, but those emotions aren't always on the surface. And I know that's ok. I want to tell people about what happened, I just hate being numb. There's been a lot of numb. 

    So, with no good transition here, another part of our summer was Maine. 

    We were in Maine for two weeks. Brad's parents and sister go up, too, and this year we had my parents with us! It was very sweet to reconnect with some of the community that Brad grew up in. We loved being with our parents. My goodness, Leo was in heaven waking up to Nana, Pappy, Gramy, and Grampy all in the same house! And travelling with Leo is always a special joy.

    It doesn't always feel joyful. Getting ready is stressful. But it's a chance to feel normal, for one. I think that every parent who travels or does vacation with young kids has to handle a lot of details and the kids take up so much mental space. It's also a chance to live in the reality that Leo is different than a lot of people and that doesn't mean that he can't do the same things. It just looks different. That's one of my favorite things in life with Leo. We get to assume that he can do something and then figure out what it looks like for him. 

    Time in Maine also left great appreciation for our everyday life. I think vacation is a really sweet way to appreciate the day-to-day life. By the end of our time in Maine, I was ready to be back in my own house. I was ready for Leo's things to be in their normal place and to have some more access to things that make life easier for Leo and stop doing without them. I desired the normal responsibilities of life again. 

    Those are the big highlights of our summer so far. There's also been a wedding, frisbee, some difficult stuff in marriage, family walks, therapy, lots of cooking in the kitchen with Leo, and several appointments thrown in there as well. And I just want to share some upcoming posts that I may share. These are ideas I have of blog posts that I want to do:

pictures from Maine

a journal of thoughts and emotions when traveling with Leo

fuller update on Leo's health, focused on the appointment stuff

fuller update on Leo completely separate from the health lingo, like who he IS

So, we'll see what I can get done. Writing is still very therapeutic for me. It just takes intentionality to sit down and go there.