Winter

 Man, coming back on here after months is really not an easy thing. There's so much to say and at the same time nothing to say because nothing is happening at the moment. 

So here's the gist of where our family is at after the winter:

    We had wonderful holidays. Leo loves ripping paper and expressions from people so opening presents (not even his) is just a wonderful time. He continues to learn new things and grow in body control and expression. We are excited as we learn to communicate with him more and do our best to teach him to communicate. It is very much a team effort and we are so grateful that we can communicate with him more and get his preferences. 

    After the holidays we had some 5 or 6 weeks of sickness in our house. I think it's been a bad sick season all over. But we were very much feeling it. Thankfully, nothing was too terrible. We're also grateful that we never had 3 of us sick at once so usually there was a parent who has not feeling miserable who could care for Leo. We never had to go to the hospital or the doctor so I don't know exactly what we had. But, yeah, we were grateful that it wasn't bad, just long. Also, God provided another night nurse temporarily for us, so while I was sick I didn't have to wake up with Leo. That was a huge blessing! If he was up at night, I could still get my rest and recover better. So it was an eventful and also not eventful time.

    Whenever Leo is sick, that usually means not as much food and/or more puking. Which reminds me we had actually gone about 4 weeks with NO PUKES for Leo before he got sick in January. God kind of orchestrated a day where I fed him in a different way (still g tube, but not with the pump, with syringes) and it seemed to sit really well with him. We just kept going with it and it was awesome! Sickness brought more mucus which always increases puking. And I expect that he will lose some weight after that. So that doesn't feel great with his history. We are still climbing out of that sickness. He's been puking 1-2 times a day so far but we have had some no puke days again. He lost a couple of ounces since December. All things considered, he's doing well. But it's just easy for worry to come in regards to his weight and that they'll want to change things and I don't like changing things when I feel like he just needs more time to adjust back. So prayer in regards to weight gain and puking is still a very real necessity. 

    I (Charis) have actually had more appointments than Leo these days. So that's been a more pressing weight on our minds. We discovered that I have a very minor umbilical hernia. It doesn't cause me any pain. I just found it from coughing so much and my abs felt different. We are grateful for no pain and that I can still do all my normal activities. But it's been an interesting things to process. It brings up the fear of "what if I (we) can't physically take care of Leo?" Man, God had to tell me that I need to sit with the reality that I am not the only one who can care for him. That is hard to sit with. And the fear of us having to put him in some kind of home or something is very real. It's not a present issue, but it's a very real fear. The other thing I have come to find through all of this is that it is hard to take care of my physical health without it turning into an obsession. Does that make sense? So I exercise regularly and I've been doing more core specific things, really working on strengthening my core and engaging it correctly when I lift Leo. I really want to be able to care for him as long as possible. But then I find myself thinking about my core almost all the time. So it's really hard to balance. 

    The other thing going on for me is we got a biopsy of nodules on my thyroid. We are currently awaiting results. Everything could be fine. Maybe I'll need thyroid meds. Maybe I have thyroid cancer. The cancer word is a big word and may be totally overdramatic. But it's been good to talk to God and come to terms with being overdramatic. I don't know the outcome and I'm scared. It, again, has been another reminder of the gift of physical health. And it's been an avenue that God has used for us to just commit Leo's care to him again and again. I don't like the thought of something happening to me or to Brad affecting our ability to care for Leo. But the reality is we can only control so much of that. The reality is that even with perfect health we need community. 

    And the reality is that God will care for our needs whatever they end up being. He has so far. 

We are continually thankful for where we are at currently, for our marriage, our boy, our community, and God's abundant provision. 

    I don't mean for this to sound doom and gloom. I am resigned that because the word "cancer" is in this post, it is going to come across more heavy than I intend. Brad and I are very much trying to not downplay our fear. Take it to God. He can handle it. But we are also very aware that we have a conscious choice to not live in the anxiety. God calls us to be present and with him today. He's got tomorrow. We truly don't have to carry those anxieties with us. We don't have to live in worst case scenario--that takes a lot of energy. God's got us.

    To add to all of this, my health stuff has also brought up the "more kids?" question again. I am very happy to say that God gave me a very sweet and clear moment where I realized that I do want more kids (Brad was already there:). Now, we are discussing what that actually looks like and when we would try, but through all of this I am thankful for how God has shepherded our hearts in terms of wanting to add more to our family. That's all I need share on that topic now :)

    So, it's been an eventful winter around here. I hope to share more posts in the near future or hard and good moments that have been there throughout these last couple of months. More like journal entries related to special needs and disability and parenting thoughts and less on health. Maybe some pictures will come to. 

Thanks for being here with us. We love you all. Jesus loves you more.