A Moment from Today

God gave me a sweet gift in parenting today. I think that lots of parents have experienced something like this in their own way. I also think that Leo being not neurotypical means I experienced this in a different way. I want to share this because I hope that other people--parents specifically--can relate and not feel alone. I also share this because I want to express a way that Leo's therapies can affect how I view things. So, I want to relate to people by feeling like this is a normal parenting thing, and I also want people to see how my parenting journey is different... (just to be clear, that doesn't mean that I have to get both of those things. just recognizing in myself that i am desiring both of those things)

I've been anxious today for a variety of reasons. And--time for a personal moment here--recently God and I have been talking through my screentime habits and how I use watching a screen (tv shows or social media) to escape my anxious feelings. Screentime is how I cope. And I am wanting to change that habit. So--you need all of that information for context. So, today I was anxious and I avoided screens. Do you know what happens when you are used to dealing with your anxiety in one way and then you don't do that thing? You feel more anxious. 

Long story short, I was able to practice sweet things today. I prayed. I exercised. I sat in stillness which gave me the space to identify why I was anxious and then say, "God, I am feeling this way but your truth says this ____." It was a powerful day. However, during all of this I was keenly aware that my anxiety was affecting my parenting. I was less present with Leo as well as very not patient. He had a puke that very clearly came from some physical discomfort with behavioral things on top. Meaning, he was dealing with some reflux and gas, but he coughed only after I said, "Leo, I'm going to cook in the kitchen. You will have to play by yourself for a little bit." And the cough led to a puke. Now, I don't think that he was trying to make himself puke. But we have seen evidence that he knows that a cough brings Mommy and/or Daddy running. So that's an interesting update on something that's developed in this household. And, I'd just like to say that to me it feels like a dangerous thing to think that his puking is behavior-related. We are very aware that he can't help puking. That's important. We are also aware of behaviors that he demonstrates at particular times--how he communicates--and those behaviors affects on his body. 

ANYWAYS, so today. I was frustrated as I held Leo puking over the mat. I wanted to yell. Everything in me knew that I needed to step away and take some space when I could. When Leo was not puking anymore and I'd cleaned everything up. I stepped outside and walked around our house, taking deep breaths. I was very frustrated and knew that it was not productive to take that out on Leo. I want to teach him to not react emotionally. I want to teach him how to handle his emotions. I need to handle my emotions, regulate my own emotions, ya feel? So I stepped away to calm down knowing that I needed some space to be by myself in my anxious state. So many voices in my head were telling me I'm a bad mom for needing space, for giving him alone time. 

But on that walk, I knew that I had valid anxieties that were affecting my brain, my reactions, and my body. In order to be more present with him, I needed space. That meant that I was going to lay Leo on the living room floor, surround him with toys, and then go to the kitchen to clean. 

When I leave him on the living room floor like that, there's this small voice in the back of my head (almost all the time) that says, "Charis, why are you leaving him on the floor? You're neglecting him. He can't play with those toys. He can't do what he wants to. He can't grab the toy or consistently push the buttons on that toy. You shouldn't leave him alone. You should be playing with him. You should have him in the stander. How much time has he spent in his boots? Speaking of, why aren't you blending his food? If you had him in the stroller more, he would be able to handle it for longer. You need to..." You get the picture.

But today was a reframing day. Leo alone on the living room floor is giving him time alone. He's experiencing his environment even if he doesn't experience it the same way a neurotypical kid does. He's looking around. He's moving his body. He gets a chance to think, "I want to hit that ball. How do I get my hand to move toward that ball?" He's taking in his environment with his body. He's learning to entertain himself. He's learning that he can be ok by himself. He's learning how to call for mommy. 

It takes reframing.

ANYWAYS, again, a lot going on in my head right now. Still got some anxiousness. So. I'm in the kitchen cooking and feeling like a bad mom for leaving Leo by himself. And, please know that I'm not sharing this so that you'll tell me I'm a good mom. I know I'm a good mom. I try and be faithful to what God has called me to. I don't want you to be uncomfortable with me saying that I was feeling like a bad mom. I'm just being honest with where I was because we all face those kinds of voices in one way or another. So I'm in the kitchen and his crying is getting a little quieter. And then,

he laughs.

He makes a happy noise. And my heart just said, "God, you didn't have to give me that but you did." I'm standing there feeling anxious and like anxiety was taking me out of the parenting game that day. And God showed me that Leo can do his own thing. I'm not neglecting him by giving him alone time. God's got him. Space is ok. And, you know what, I want Leo to have whatever independence he can. I don't want to treat him like he can't be alone. What does that teach him? That he can't be alone. No, sir. He was laughing to himself. Wow. It was a sweet moment. 

Now, there are grains of truth in the voices in my head that I was describing. But anxious is not the time to pick through and find the grains of truth. And I don't mean to say in all of this that a mother's emotions should dictate the day. No. I'm trying to help people--mom's specifically--not feel alone in their bad days. We all have them. And I'm trying to testify to God's presence in the bad days, God's working in the good and the bad days. And I'm a firm believer that while emotions don't need to dictate our days because they don't always reflect reality, there's a BIG necessity to deal with emotions because acting like they're not there does not make them go away. ALSO, sometimes it's necessary to sweep them under the rug for a time or setting, BUT they need to be dealt with sometime. Anyways, there's countless qualifications to be made when talking about the significance of emotions. I can't make all of them. I hope this meets you where you're at.