Praise and Pain

 Psalm 145:2 says, "Every day I will bless you  and praise your name forever and ever." (ESV). It feels weird to praise God. We don't usually talk like that in day-to-day life. And it feels like a brag, like "look at all that's good in my life." This is the other part for me. I don't wanna say, "Just hang on. It will get better," because it might not. Life might suck and just not get better. God doesn't owe us that. But it doesn't mean that he's not present. 

What I mean is this: God loves. God heals. God redeems. And God gives good gifts. God gives comfort (let's not make those last two the same thing, right?). God also allows horrid things to happen. And He doesn't owe us better lives. We did not earn it. We do not earn it. God loves and God is just. I don't know if I know the words to say more than that here. As in, I'm trying to describe something that human minds can't resolve. So, if you wanna talk about what I'm trying to say here is let's talk :) 

Anyways, I'm here to say that God has provided beyond our needs. And I'd like to share some good things in the hope of encouraging someone to see gratitudes in their day, to see Jesus, and to see God's love a little better.

Praises:

Through a program through LGH we got work done on our home. One of the things they did was replace our doors and windows--all of them. Has to do with lead safety. We are so grateful for the awesome workers in this program and who work with this program. We feel like we're walking into a mansion when we go back to our house. 

During the time that they worked on our house, my grandparents let us move in with them! We loved extra time with them and in farmland. We are very grateful by their generosity. 

Through a "buy nothing" group on facebook, we got a washer and dryer! Yup. For nothing... Our washer was struggling to ring things free of water which lead to smaller loads and more electricity to ring things out. We can't afford a new washer and dryer right now so, WOW. God provides through the generosity of some amazing people. 

We continue to have babysitting for Leo on Fridays so that we can play frisbee. Even when our normal babysitter can't do it, others have stepped in. It's insane. 

Leo gained weight, but more significantly than that, Brad and I are learning to let go of trying to control certain things regarding Leo's eating and it's been very impactful. God is in control, not us. 

Leo and I have had a break from so many therapies and it's been so fun! So good for me to think through therapies and step back to refocus. 

Through some miscommunication between me, the pharmacy, and insurance, one of Leo's medicine refills was delayed. We were out and there was no way of getting more in time without Leo skipping some doses. If this were to happen with any medicine, I would want it to be this one. In fact, if it had happened with another medicine, I would have kept pushing. But we had been curious what it would be like for Leo to be off of this medicine anyway. AND...he's off! It was a medicine to help with stomach motility and it was a small dose. But he'd been on it for over a year. His puking continued, but was in no way worse and in some ways better. We are very grateful for any time that Leo can be off of a medicine!

Storytime

Sometime in the last month, I had a really stressful day. Leo was uncomfortable and pushing all day. I never feel like words are enough to describe the feeling. He grinds his teeth, pushes his head to the side, grabs my sleeves with his hands, and pushes his belly forward. It is beyond aggravating. And I couldn't comfort him all day. We were coming off of a big weekend and Brad was working that whole day. I was just at my end, for whatever/all the reasons. I called a friend to see if she could come and be with me because I was "losing my mind." She got there as Brad did. Brad took Leo and I went to my friend, buried my head in her shoulder, and sobbed--like shaking sobbed. 

So many voices in my head said, "Why are you this upset? You're being irrational. She is going to chuckle to herself at how dramatic you are being." Other voices in my head said, "You can feel that you are losing control. You are struggling. You don't have to know why you are reacting so strongly. It's ok to not be ok. Big emotions are not shameful. Let them out." 

Now, let me be clear, the fearful voices I had were my own and my friend did not bring those questions to my mind because of how she responded to me. Does that make sense? I'm illustrating my own fears, not her response or anything about her. She held me and then sat and listened to me with zero judgement. She gave me space to talk about whatever. She didn't try and fix my bad day. I felt so stupid for having such big emotions and she just let me talk about what I was feeling without asking why I was feeling that way. It was such a healing experience. The next day I still had the voice saying, "What if she's thinking that you were being dramatic?" One: she'll still love me even if I'm dramatic. Two: She knows I wasn't ok and she wasn't asking for an explanation.

The reason I'm sharing this story is because I don't think I'm the only one who has those fearful voices in my head when it comes to big emotions. And those big emotions reminded me of a couple of experiences I've had. With a huge mental health crisis going on right now, I want to try and help people in this way: by letting out the emotions that clearly need to come out but I try so hard to hold in, by working through to feelings, and by moving on with life. 

I think of all of the voices in our overstimulated and overconnected world that seem to say, "I'm doing ok." People try and hide when they cry. People feel embarrassed over irrational emotional responses. We just have to "get through" this phase until we're happy again. What I can do is share the most uncomfortable emotions of not being ok. I want people to know that they can talk to others when they're not ok. Yes, it takes discernment. Not everyone is a safe place. Not every emotion is appropriate to be shared in every situation. But I hope to be evidence that people do breakdown and get back up. People have hard days and they have good days. We're not all out here living the dream. There's good days and bad days. And that's ok. 

Emotions don't dictate our lives. That's not a ride I wanna take. But, you can't ignore them. Giving them space doesn't mean that they are dictating your life. If you don't feel them, they will resurface. I promise. What I'm trying to say here--as I start to nervously babble--is that I felt vulnerable and exposed. I felt silly and irrational. But I asked someone else to be with me because it felt better to not be alone. I thought of the lives I know that have been lost or affected by suicide. And I decided I am ok with feeling silly for not being ok because I want more people to be ok with feeling silly for not being ok. And learn how to work through big emotions and move forward.

So that's a long story to praise God for this friend, and to praise God for community. And to share a little bit of my heart/soap box about sharing emotions. 

That's all I've got for now! If you've made it this far, thanks for reading!