I'm feelin' high after two good appointments...

     In regards to said appointments, as well as further ponderings of Leo's eating/weight situation:

    We saw our PCP on Friday for a wellness check for his 3 year birthday. I was nervous, and I need to say this. Any appointment I go to where they could say, "He's not gaining enough in my opinion," or "I really think you need to change ____ in his feeding regiment," (or anything of the sort) is an anxiety-producing appointment for me. Right now, that means PCP, GI, and Nutrition. 

    So, headed to PCP I was praying for peace. And--here comes the babble--I've been pondering things lately. Like why do I feel anxiety when I think of people changing Leo's feeding regiment? Why do I feel stress when I think of disagreeing with what a medical professional suggests that Leo needs? What am I telling myself about my motherhood? And stuff like that. I've been trying to dive into the ins and outs of this. Obviously (for those who have read Leo's story from the beginning), it's been a very big journey in regards to feeding Leo. It's very important to call that what it is, but I am struggling to work through the emotions of our current situation. We are not in crisis mode anymore when it comes to Leo's eating. Crisis mode was rough and we were there for a while. Things were changing every week. Answers were few and questions were many. Sleep was a distant friend. Nighttime nursing was an unwelcomed guest. The weight checks were torture. We even got to a three week hospital stay for failure to thrive. It was bad. But we're not there. But we still have steady times and unsteady times. And knowing what merits a freakout is hard. 

    I know I can freakout anytime (and I do). But what I mean is, I am navigating some grief and, dare I say, PTSD from Leo's feeding journey while I also navigate trying to figure out what's normal for Leo--trying to navigate not freaking out in the present. It's just weird. I'm realizing the baggage that the topic of feeding my child can have for me and trying to assess how he's doing in the present and what changes need to be made or when he needs to be given is a hard thing to do in the midst of the baggage. That is what I have wanted to say.

    SO, back to the appointment. I was reminding myself that I don't need to get defensive or apologetic in the appointment. This weight check isn't to determine how well I've been doing as his mom. And I really don't want to treat it as an accomplishment for Leo that he's gained weight or hasn't been puking as much! That is not something for him to carry around. So, this isn't determining anything about my value. It's also ok to disagree with them. We can take time to make a decision. And I pray that God helps me see what is mama's instinct and what's denial, keeping me open to changes that Leo may need. 

    And it was such a refreshing appointment! I actually told Brad that I had fun. First off, our doctor and nurse case manager seemed genuinely excited to see Leo. He was talkative and charming and they ate it up. He had gained weight. The doctor was happy with his height, too. She was ok with going off of one med and she gave me her thoughts on a supplement I asked about. She even was throwing in stories about her kid. I really appreciated being around those ladies. And it was such a high to have an appointment where the weight and eating was good. I didn't leave stressed and processing the changes in feeding regiment and scared about what that would do to his days or nights. 

    Then, I had to anticipate a GI appointment on Monday. Got over one hurdle mentally--oh! I also forgot to mention that I prayed for peace Friday morning. And I was so distracted with getting out of the door on time that morning that I didn't have time to feel sick with anxiousness. Thank God. So, looking forward to Monday, I just prayed that God would help me give the appointment to him. I was reminding myself that I could go to that appointment without a trepid heart because it wasn't going to determine my value as a mother or Leo's value as a person. I visualized myself talking to the GI doctor and reminded myself it was a two-way conversation. I almost imagine myself to be another person. Like, imagine if I didn't question myself, that's how I would talk to her. Not in a proud or stubborn way, but not apologetic because what we're discussing isn't because I didn't do enough. 

    I don't know if you're catching this yet, but I err on the side of insecure more than cocky. Both have their downfalls, but it ain't a pretty reality to question everything you do. I think I've said before on here that since Leo was born I've learned that I'm stronger than I thought I was. God made me strong. I realize the strength is from Him; it's a reflection of Him. But maybe this post can give you a little insight into what I mean when I say that I am not in the habit of viewing myself as a confident person. It's not fun to take nearly everything personally. And I've been learning to tear down that mindset.

    Anyways, in regards to Leo's eating. I've been taking it--or things in it--personally. And it's been a lot of work to walk through stress-inducing scenarios and rewire my brain. Stress was wired into my brain a lot in crisis mode. But not matter if we're in crisis mode or not, we control certain things and we don't control others. Man, that's been weird to think through in regards to all of Leo's eating stuff. I will start coming to a close with this, I've been practicing not letting Leo's pukes run our life. And it's been interesting. 

    Did I even talk about the GI appointment yet? He was up in weight again. She was happy with where he was, content with taking him off that medicine. We discussed where we would look of puking gets worse and/or something else were to make his weight go down. I appreciate that she tells me what she's thinking the next steps would be. It was very encouraging.

    All of that to say, I'm feel like I'm on a high because we've had two appointments in the last two days that have been enjoyable and not stress filled and they were looking at his WEIGHT. This thing that I've seen so many times be down or stagnant. This thing that has felt like such a complicated weight on our days, this thing that haunts my motherhood journey, and today it was just his weight. It was, "Looks good! I don't wanna change anything." Wow, it was so sweet to have good appointments.