Asking for Help

    This is a bit of a weird post, but I'd really like to talk about 1) some things God has taught me about help 2) receiving help 3) and asking for help. 

    Help. Man. Needing a lot of help can be a very uncomfortable experience. May I just say that I feel as though I have been taking and taking from the community around us for the last 3 years without giving anything in return. That feels really raw and cringey. I don't want people to think I'm lazy. I don't want to think I'm entitled to help and not push myself to do difficult things. I am so grateful for the help that we've received from people that I'd like to give back as a way to show appreciation. BUT,

    the thing about help is that--in it's purest form--it's not given with expectations. We don't help people in order to get something from them. We don't help so that we can hold something over them and they now owe us a favor. Help is making it easier for someone. We're all human so I recognize that it doesn't all go this perfectly. But the nature of help is not transactional.

    If it's not transactional, then that means that I can just sit on the couch holding up while he naps in order to decrease the chance of vomiting after a meal while a friend does my dishes, cleans my kitchen, and makes me food. But that feels like she's a servant. She's not my servant! Why should she serve me?! I'm sure there's someone else out there much worse off!

    She's not my servant. There is someone worse off. But it's hard for me right now. And I'm grateful to have a friend help lessen my load. What a powerful way to feel not alone. What a beautiful display of a love that our Savior loves us with, unconditional. 

    It's enlightening to me that receiving can be so difficult to me. If I'm that way with people, I know I'm that way with God. When I reject any help or gift--or whatever the form of receiving may be--I can't help but think that in my heart I desire to reject God's unconditional love because I am not ok with feeling like I owe him something. And my mind just can't comprehend how me in my worst state could accept the greatest gift of all. 

    I say all of that to illustrate some things about help that I really feel like are worth sharing. 

1) Receiving help can be hard. But receiving help doesn't mean you're less than anyone else. It may shine light on some sort of "weakness" but that's simply humanity. Weakness is inevitable in this life, so let's not treat it like something we can avoid. 

2) We are made for community. I feel like since Leo has been born I have learned so much about the body of Christ. And I have understood the gift of community in a new way. I have seen my human weaknesses exposed more so than I would have liked. I count that valuable because even without Leo 

I need help.

And that's something I really want to say. No matter who you are, we all need help. I'm not saying mooch off of each other and don't expect to do anything for yourself. But, please, please don't think needing help means that you are weak. It's actually a very strong thing to ask for help. It's admitting that you are not enough at something and that's a hard thing to do. But that's all of us.  And if you love to help someone, do it! And give someone else that same gift by receiving help. It's a two way street. 

3) I actually feel like we received so much help in Leo's first year that it was overwhelming to sort through it all. So I'm not saying receiving help is an easy thing. There were times that people offered to come over and work on Leo's therapies with him that I didn't take. I didn't want to commit to a certain time weekly to have someone over because I was already overwhelmed with appointments and therapies. I didn't want to deal with the voices in my head if someone else was working with Leo at my house. The voices meaning, "Are they struggling? Do I help them? Do I need to explain something again? Do I just let them be? Are they frustrated with Leo? Should I be rescuing them? Are they here longer than they thought they'd be? Do they think I'm a bad mom?" etc. Sometimes it was easier to do the therapies myself or skip them than to deal with those voices in my head.

    I'm sure I'm not coming off perfectly here, and I have to trust God with that. I really desire to share this because we are so grateful for all of the help we have received. We have been helped so much, and it is because of the community around us that we have been able to enjoy Leo, invest in our marriage, adjust to Leo's needs, continue care at CHOP, buy a house, and all the things. We really are so blessed and grateful. And, yes, it may have become a little soap box of mine that everyone needs help. And I want to tell people that if you are not ok with receiving help then I think you need to talk to God about it. We were made for community, even outside of the church. Humans were made for community. And that's beautiful. 

    I'm feeling like there's more explaining for me to do, but I think I'm just going to leave it at that. An imperfect, heartfelt piece about help. Hopefully this can open up some face-to-face conversations about help in a beautiful way.

    Oh! AND

This is a weirder part.

I'm actually asking for help on here. 

Well, I want to tell you about how a friend started babysitting Leo. She said, "I want to be part of Leo's village. Can I learn about taking care of him?" And she came over to hang out with me and Leo without babysitting him. She saw how I did it. She saw his pukes. I'd show her how to do something with his gtube and the next time she might try it or just watch me again. Along with all of this came seeing the fun times, too. It was so sweet for me to teach her his care in this way because the voices in my head were quieter.  

We also have friends who simply expressed, "If you ever need a babysitter, we'd love to learn."

       I say that to say this, if you've thought that you'd love to learn how to take care of Leo and be able to babysit him, please can you reach out to me personally or talk to Brad or me face-to-face? It feels so weird asking for help that directly. But my thought is that we need the help. And if you have thought of helping before, I'd love to let you know what the first step might be to connect us who need help to you who wants to help. Ugh. This feels weird. But it's true.

    As Leo gets bigger, there are things that are more difficult to manage and he also might need more than one person to help with things if I'm not there. Brad and I would like to still play frisbee, go on a date, maybe have another kid, and having people who know how to care for Leo would be insane. I mean, we do have people who come over and care for him. I want to be really clear about that. We have amazing friends who spend time with Leo and love on him and we get to get breaks and get away. I do not want to diminish that by asking for more help. But I am open to the pool of people who get the texts, "Hey could you watch Leo this Saturday?" growing. So if you've had the desire to get to know Leo better, I want to open that door. 

    The LAST thing that I will say is that by asking for help in a public way, I'm not saying that anyone who wants to can waltz in and be left with Leo. Brad and I will still use discretion in who watches him, but I really felt the desire to talk about help and to also open the floor to friends who may have wondered about caring for Leo but haven't felt like they had all the info. 

    Ok. I feel weird, but good. If you made it this far, thanks for hearing my thoughts on help. I pray that God shows you in a very personal way that he's with you today.

1 Corinthians 12:17-20 "If the whole body were an eye, where would the sense of hearing be? If the whole body were an ear, where would the sense of smell be? But in fact God has placed the parts in the body, every one of them, just as he wanted them to be. If they were all one part, where would the body be? As it is, there are many parts, but one body."