"Do you guys want more kids?"

Yes.

But...

Now, I need to be really clear here that I know that expanding your family can be a very difficult topic for many people other than us. So many different situations can lead to pregnancy, childbirth, having kids, etc. being very difficult topics to talk about and/or go through. This post is by no means saying how others should handle or feel about expanding their family. 

This is where we are at in our story.

Yes, we want more kids. And just being able to say that is a lot of growth from where we were. I used to say “I don’t know” to this question and I just couldn’t picture it. 

Right after Leo was born, I told God he had robbed me of having more kids. With Leo’s brain injury, no forewarning of it, and no explanation, I couldn’t fathom having more kids. I had just experienced one of the most empowering things in my life--labor--and was now wading through painful muck. I kept on replaying labor in my head. It genuinely felt a bit like I was going to wake up from a bad dream. Labor felt so recent and everything had changed so quickly that I just felt like, "Just let me go back and do it again, God. But it’ll be a different outcome this time.” In regards to this topic, I could not comprehend being pregnant and having a healthy baby at the end of it. At that point, I just couldn’t process that.  I had heard from friends who have experienced a miscarriage or trauma during pregnancy that going through another pregnancy was difficult but once you got to that point--that point where everything went wrong last time--and got passed it, there was a little bit of a sigh of relief. Not that it wasn't hard after that, but there was a lot of anxiety around the place where it went wrong last time. Well, for me, that's literally the moment that Leo came out. 

So I told God I was robbed. I couldn't imagine having to go through all of pregnancy and labor without a fear of something going wrong. And I couldn't even take care of my basic needs at that time, so how was I supposed to care for Leo and then another kid. I know that right after having a kid isn’t the time to think about having another, but there was so much going on I felt like having kids was taken from us completely. There were so many questions about Leo's future that I just couldn't process growing our family. 

All of that to say, we didn’t even know how to picture another kid. I remember telling Brad one time that I had thought about having another baby (Leo is at least a year old at this point) and smiled not felt completely overcome with anxiousness and fear. It didn’t last long, but it was a step. Literally, being able to picture ourselves with another baby, imagining Leo as a big brother, picturing one person with Leo and the other holding a baby. That's a big step. And the desire to have another child. God grew that, too. We want more in our family. We want that for Leo too. So, we picture it and we desire it.

Now what?

I have absolutely no idea what it will look like from here. Honestly, we're working on a lot of things in our home that we believe God has called us to, and I can see how working on these things could prepare us better for another kid. I am in counseling and working through a lot of emotions and the self-talk in my head. I'm not doing it because of wanting to have another kid, but if I am pregnant again I think I'm going to have a lot of mental battles to work through. We are talking through our screen time at home and looking at why we spend our time the way we do. What is God calling us to as a family? That would prepare us more for another kid. We’re not doing it solely for another kid, but it seems like the next step for our family. We’ll see if God has more kids in our future. God knows. And I know no one ever feels truly ready for another kid without some fear. And nothing is guaranteed. You know. Sometimes I wish it didn’t feel like this decision was at all in our control. 

Lastly, there are a couple of things that I'm very much wrestling with God over. I've previously mentioned, but I don't think it will be easy to be pregnant again. That makes me kind of mad. It doesn't feel fair. Mental battles are really difficult. Fear is real. Also, when picturing another kid, I picture a neurotypical healthy child. And I have to surrender that to God. I know it's a good desire. And it's very possible for us, to my knowledge. But what if we have another child with special needs? 

Now, because I know Leo, I know a lot better than I did that a child with special needs means so much joy and hope. And I know that a child without special needs doesn't mean easy. I love that I am a mother to a child with special needs. But it's so much work and things like talking with my kid, seeing them run around, etc. are very, very real desires. I know in a deep way that God's plan is not our plan. And it's hard to give up my plan. 

I feel a bit scattered in explaining that aspect, but honestly I am scattered. On a practical note, if we do have another biological child, I will choose c-section so that we by-pass the birth canal completely. Since we don't know what happened with Leo but we know that it happened in the birth canal, I'm not going to risk it again. Im grateful that God has given me a lot of peace at the reality of never going through labor again. 

And one more note that I feel compelled to share. You might think, “The doctors didn't tell you what happened because they made a mistake and didn't want you to know," or something along the lines of that. I will say that we have considered the possibility that the doctors and nurses could have done something to prevent Leo's injury. From our memory and understanding of labor, they did everything they could with the information they had. They made the right decisions in the moments and didn't miss things. We don't blame them. But we know they are human. Maybe they did hide something from us, a mistake that haunts one of them. We don't know. But ultimately, God is bigger than their mistakes. Leo is not a mistake. His life is not a mistake on their card. God allowed Leo's brain to be damaged and we couldn't change that. And we don't have to wonder if we would or not. God is in control. Going down the road of blaming the doctor is not beneficial to us. If I ever am pregnant again, we will think through the care that I get a bit differently because of our story. But we can't hold on to this question of blame. Leo's life isn't something to blame people for. 

He's got one of the best God stories I've ever seen.