"It's ok to just be."

     Leo and I just took two days off of therapy. We didn't do time in the equipment unless it was fun. We didn't spend extra time in boots if it was more cumbersome. We didn't reach for buttons or eat with a spoon. We planned the days based more on what we could do to help us and Daddy get ready for Christmas. We planned them around Leo's relational, social, and expressed needs. We planned them around rest and fun. 

    Therapy can very easily get me into a weird mental space. I never feel like I have the words for this--I just want someone else who has experienced it to find them for me--but I'm going to try it anyway. Therapy adds pressure to life. I'm not talking about the therapists or anything like that. Our therapists encourage me and Leo, tell us to take breaks, care about the rest of what's going on, etc. They work with us. They don't make me feel bad when Leo and I haven't worked on something since our last session. They're very understanding. But by nature, therapy adds this pressure. 

    You set goals. You make them specific and achievable and measurable. You need to have goals. But this means that you can check on the goals and you can tell if they're not completed yet. And it makes sense at the beginning of the session to ask about how you're doing with [area of specialty]. So, my sensitive and insecure brain takes this information and says, "You are such a failure. You aren't doing enough. You should have done insert exercise/activity here so much more. You're just making excuses." You get the picture. It's hard to keep the mental voices truthful as I try and work diligently and consistently on small tasks while also allowing life to happen. And then, to put so much work and effort into incorporating these therapies into our day-to-day--thinking about them so much of the day--and surrendering the outcome to God. No, my brain and my heart tell me that because I'm doing insert therapy here then X should happen.

    But the beautiful truth is that I cannot change the future that God already has for Leo. God is caring for him, not me. I'm to be faithful and loving and sacrificial. I'm not trying to "fix" Leo and make him "as normal as possible". He's perfect just the way he is. Therapy isn't to fix, it's to help and I need to remind myself of that as I easily fall into the "fixing" mindset. We are so grateful for Leo's therapists and for the resources around us that have opened up so many possibilities very early in Leo's life. Therapy is a gift. But it is not everything. I want Leo to know that he's ok to just be himself, not working on something every single task of the day. I hope this reminder hits you where you're at today.